A Guide: How to make friends (for nerds).

how to make friends

arrowStep 1: Lock down on your target.lock

First and foremost, find yourself a human target that you wish to be friends with. Although why, I’m not sure; because humans, in general, suck. But for the purpose and intent of this post, let’s assume a human.

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dream(1)Step 2: Stalk them. Awaken your inner creep.

.. to know if they’re into books or not, you dummies. What were you thinking? Get that pretty head out of the gutter.

If Step 2 yields a positive result, then move to Step 3, else jump to Step 4.

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believeStep 3: Do you share the love for same books?

If Yes:

  • Fangirl over the book. Swoon, screech, make demon noises and all that shit. They would most likely follow.
  • Go to Step 5.

If No:

  • Try to show them the light if they’re not reading the books you love or love a book you despise.
  • If the later is true + the former is false, and they refuse to listen to reason, abandon them. There’s no hope left.
  • The first approach should, at the very least, incite a good debate even if things don’t really pan out well for you, so one the positive side, you did get your yearly socializing out of this debacle. Jump to Step 6.

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hopeStep 4: Are they not a reader?

Self reflection time- Do you really, truly want to befriend them? Ask yourself.

If No: Good decision. Go to Step 6.

If Yes:

  • Have another self reflection session. Ask yourself. And keep asking yourself.
  • Loop the previous step infinite amount of times.
  • If yes persists, then figure out which of the following category do they fall in?
    • Do they just occasionally pick up a book and take forever to finish it?
      There is still hope people. The good god is merciful. There is still hope. Slowly and steadily wean them off their bad habits and diligently work on turning them into an addict; and you know what they say, once an addict, always an addict.
      You can now safely go to Step 5.
    • Doesn’t read, but are they really rich and willing to pay for all your future books?
      Great book hauls call for great sacrifices.
      Be as charming as you can, and if that is not possible, then perform a demonic ritual to make them think that you’re charming, and then burn a candle in front of a mirror at 3 am, and pray to everything holy and unholy that they’d want to become friends with you.
      Do NOT let his specimen go. I repeat: Do NOT let this specimen go.
    • Do they just hate the idea of reading?
      MISSION ABORT! MISSION ABORT! MISSION ABORT!!!

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loveStep 5: Found yourself a poor victim friend?

Now you gotta do everything to keep them. Catch up on all the fiction gossip over coffee and cakes, curse your hated authors and their hateful plot lines during your night stays (do not forget your voodoo dolls), set up buddy-read dates, and voila! You’ve got yourself a matey my darlin’.

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arrowStep 6: Did all else fail?

Do not worry. Your favorite fictional character will always be your bestest, possibly coolest friend because they will never judge you, and never leave you unless like you’re in coma and can’t read or listen, so.. #awkward. Or if you’re dead! And isn’t that all we want? A friend who will be with us until the day we die? *cue sappy violin music*

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Disclaimer: The writer does not claim this method to be 100% foolproof. In the words of Shakespeare probably, some relationships are just not meant to be. But the writer did try this method on at least one lab rat, and experiment resulted in a whooping success. Make of that what you will.

ari(2)

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